What jeans can I buy if I have a flat butt?

This is a question that has plagued the population of flat bums since the beginning of time.

Personally, I never thought I’d have to ponder this question. That is, until an ex-gf (circa 2006/07) alluded to the fact that my bum had no soulmate equity to hold onto, and if you threw a pancake at my back… it would slide smoothly down to my calves.

After 7 years of therapy, and growing tired of strategically wrapping a hoody around my waist… I googled the topic ‘what jeans can I buy if I have a flat butt?’ The first thing that came to my attention was, this is not something males google on a regular basis. The second thing:

Find Jeans That Fit Your Butt – Oprah.com

I would like to thank Oprah for two reasons:

  • “Jeanious” – a pun challenge I look forward to for years to come!
  • The Solution: Pocket Science!

Although Oprah doesn’t explain the science of it in any way, shape, form or… wait for it… FASHION, she got me thinking about the topic.

Pocket Science… No. Let’s call it what it really is, Pocket Magic!

You need to purchase jeans that have pocket flaps in order to give the faint illusion that there is something there when there really isn’t. As for science, you’ll be better off using math. You’ll have to constantly angle yourself in such a manner that the person you’re trying to impress can never get a really good look at your caboose, or enough time to process the great plains of your denim pancake.

If you’re as doomed as I am, you will find out that there isn’t a pair of flapless back-pocketed jeans out there to save your ass. And when you do find a good pair of jeans with flaps, you’ll also need to master the art of sitting on wooden seats. I still remember my rookie days of carving miniature sized canyons into unsuspecting furniture with the buttons that keep those flaps on lockdown.

So start saving up your pennies right now because I just googled bum implants, and when it comes to butt augmentation… it is not cheap!